It Was Positive!

It was positive.

I knew it would be, but it was REALLY positive and it hit me just how far along I was. Eight weeks to be exact, which I found out the next week at my first OB apt.

When I walked out of the bathroom and told Kristie, both of us stood in shock and unsure of what to say next. But it was the conversation with my parents that was the hardest. Not because they weren’t supportive of me, because they very much are. And not because they didn’t want another baby in the family, because they very much did. But the month prior, my family went though something really hard, something that was very much the loss of the child for my twin sister and here I was, telling them about the child I was carrying. But there was more.

You see, my friends and parents had spent the month prior watching me struggle to breath while being sick with COVID. My parents were scared and sometimes unsure if I would live while being across the county from me. And then they were catapulted from being in a space of not knowing if I would live, to hearing I was ok and in fact, carrying the life I’d always dreamed of meeting. It was jarring and all my mother could do was laugh hysterically. So we laughed. And then we cried. And then we got excited. My mom’s baby was having a baby, something she thought I’d never be able to do after I transitioned. But so much is possible when we transition and start living as our true selves.

Through my excitement, I had a realization. I had COVID while I was one month pregnant with Wilder and didn’t know it yet. I had no idea how the virus had impacted Wilder as a fetus, if at all or how it would impact the rest of my pregnancy.There were so many unknowns.  This created so much fear and anxiety that kept boiling and getting hotter throughout my pregnancy, finally boiling over into postpartum.

And then, I spent three weeks waiting to tell you all but while I waited, I reflected. And it’s within that reflection that I saw Wilder for the first time.

I wish my pregnancy journey had been as positive as my test, but the reality was, that this sick state of being would be my reality for the next seven months and entire duration of my pregnancy. But that, is another post. Stay tuned for more. 🙂