What Being Non-Binary Means To Me


One of the things that I love so much about gender and identity is that even when two people share the same identity, their definitions and experiences within that identity can be very different. This means one person’s experiences should never be the go-to narrative for an entire community. This also means that if you had no idea you were trans or non-binary until you were in your adulthood, that’s ok! This means that if you’ve never hated your body, that’s ok and that you can still be trans and/or non-binary! 聽This means that if you never want to take hormones or have any kind of surgery, that you can STILL be trans and/or non-binary! There are so many ways to show up in the world as trans and/or non-binary and what I’m about to share next, is simply my own experience. I do not speak for the community, but am rather simply sharing my experience, strength, and hope with you all.

Before we jump in, I should remind you all that there is a differences between gender identity and sexual orientation and that the two are not dependent on each other. My trans and non/binary gender identity has nothing to do with my Queerness, which is my sexual orientation. These two concepts often get confused for each other when they are two very different things.

Now, let’s start with how I identify. This piece often confuses people. I identify as trans-masculine AND non-binary, yes both! I do not however identify as a man. I have not ever wanted to be a man. But, I do however feel the most comfortable showing up in the world as masculine presenting (most of the time). The truth is, growing up, I never felt like a girl. But I also never felt like the boys, who happened to be some of the most unkind people I knew as a kid. I spent the first twenty-five years of my life trying to fit into the binary mold of gender that this society has created. Then, as an adult it finally occurred to me; I could just be me, even if that fell outside of both binaries. I didn’t have to be a boy or a girl, because some people in this world are neither, boy or girl. While some are born both! We have this rigidity in our culture around gender being binary, when it just, isn’t. And there is so much proof of that all around us. Hi. Hello there, have we met?!

I never had the thought “I wish I was boy,” but I did look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like if I had facial hair. Or how my backpack strap would look/feel across a flat chest instead of my very large one. Even to this day, I don’t feel like a boy. Or even want be a boy. But, what I do know is that I feel far more comfortable in my masculine body than I ever did in my feminine body. And that I’m definitely not a girl nor have I ever felt like a girl. And that Papa is the title that feels the most fitting for me and that sometimes non-binary people use binary pronouns.

I feel far more comfortable outside of the binary then I ever have within it and my discomfort that I experienced all throughout my childhood and education, was simply society trying to force me into one binary (or another). But some of us break free and find ourselves, our TRUE selves. We work on chipping away the layers of stereotypes and expectations 聽until we finally arrive to who we were meant to be all along, which even still ever changing and ever growing.

If your kiddo is experimenting with gender and identity, let them. If one day they ask you to use one pronoun and the next day another, let them. It’s not that they are confused, it’s that society’s constructs of gender don’t fit us all and that can be confusing when we’re so strategically forced into one binary or another from birth. Kids wouldn’t be confused if they didn’t have all of our adult bias to wade through before they even learn to walk. They are confused because we are confusing them as adults and a society, not because there is something wrong with them. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, they’re the most beautiful diamonds.

Being trans and non-binary has become one of the most sacred gifts in my life today and ultimately, coming home to myself and my shell is what allowed Wilder to find their way home to me.

Be your bold trans and non-binary selves, because we sure do glow.


With Wonder,

Danny (& Wilder)


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  1. GEORGE on January 15, 2022 at 10:44 am

    Hi Danny! I’ve been following you (on IG) since Wilder was a few months old. I adore you both! I have a question and I am going to try my absolute best not to be insensitive and ignorant.. Before asking, I just want to say that I related SO MUCH to this post. I don’t feel like a girl but I know I don’t want to be a man. My pronouns are she/they and I realized reading this post that I kept the “she” because it’s the only thing I know and am used to..despite not feeling 100% female.. Okay, my question is since you were born female (I hope that’s not offensive to you) and you identify as non-binary…okay, I don’t know how to put it. Basically, when I see “Trans”, I think from one gender to another gender. You didn’t “go from” female to male so is that term “correct”? The only confusion or curious part for me is the Trans term. Pardon my ignorance. Truly trying to learn.. All the best from NYC! 馃檪

  2. S贸lveig on January 15, 2022 at 4:44 pm

    I think this is the most wonderful thing I have ever read and to be honest, I saw myself a little bit in your today’s writing. I’ve always said I’m a girl/woman but after reading this post of yours something clicked in my head. I too don’t really feel like a girl but nor do I feel like a boy 馃 and I don’t really get attracted to men or women, like sexually then, but to personalities. But like you say or atleast how I understand it, I’ve been shaped into this mold, I’ve been raised as a girl, I should do girly stuff, have long hair and as a girl I should find a man to be with.

    I have 3 boys. They identified them self’s as boys but when they were born and growing up they were called boys, I didn’t know how anything else. There were just boys and girls and nothing else. That’s what I was taught. But I’ve always said that my “boys” can be and do what ever they want, as long as it makes them happy (and they are not hurting people).

    You Danny, have taught me so much and I have so much more to learn. You are a diamond. Strong and beautiful. With such a beautiful soul.

    • S贸lveig on January 15, 2022 at 4:46 pm

      (Sorry for my bad English 馃槄 )

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