What Does Wilder Call You?!
Let’s just jump right to the point, because I don’t have the patience for beating around the bush this morning. In fact, these days my toddler gets every ounce of patience that my body can produce, so if I sound inpatient in my writing, that’s why. But, this morning instead of mindlessly scrolling because I don’t have spoons to write a pretty and patience sounding piece for you all, I thought I’d just keep it real even if some of it sounds a little bit sour.
Now, let’s get to the good part and I promise I’m not goign to bite.
I get asked a lot what Wilder calls me, mom or dad, which I find ironic given that my user name across all of my platforms literally spells it out. I understand that sometimes people are asking me this because of my non-binary identity, which also gives me a little bit of a chuckle because here we are again, trying to fit even non-binary people into one of our pre-molded gendered binary boxes society has constructed that well, doesn’t work for a lot of people. Because the reality is, that a lot of us don’t fall within the binary. Part the why that is, is because it’s a construct that society has created to foster white supremacy, patriarchy, and so much more that my brain can’t recall at 4am in the morning. But you get the point and if you don’t, I challenge you all to please keep educating yourself on the topic because it’s so important to understand how to the are linked.
Now, I know that I present within the binary and most people identify me as a cis gay man. *eye roll* I very much am not that, which is on reason why I am so open about my trans and non-binary identity. Let’s talk about that really fast again, while we are here. I do in fact identify as Transmasculine, eventhough I do not identify as a man. You see, I transitioned from living in the world as a feminine presenting gender to a masculine one. I did transition genders, it’s just that some days, I also don’t feel like either one of those binary genders, which is also where my non-binary identity comes in. This is very much a different experience from that of many Transgender men and I want to be clear that this is just my own experience. I know, it can be confusing for some and that’s ok because it’s not confusing to me and it doesn’t matter who in the world our identity confuses if it’s what is true for us. This also just means you could probably use more education on the topic. I don’t say that to be mean, but to keep it real. There are LOTS of topics I still need education on and when that’s clear to others, I hope they call me in and help raise my awareness so that I can do that self educating to better understand the world around me.
So, let’s finally get to the point. Ha. Wilder calls me papa and dada. At the end of the day, this child has my heart so fiercely wrapped around their love that they can call me anything and I’ll always answer to it. But, they will also know that some non-binary and trans people give birth too, just like papa and many women do. And that giving birth doesn’t make you a mom unless you identify as such. I gave birth, but I am their papa bear. I don’t use a non-binary term only because I wasn’t called to. I really let my intuition and the universe guide me, and when thinking of what my child would call me, this is what came to my heart first and felt the softest.
I’m not sure what it is about the term Dad that I’ve never really liked, but it feels cold and as if it has hard edges. Ironically it rhymes really well with Danny the trans…..so here we are. haha. But, I go by papa with Wilder and I will always be their Papa Bear. Think of less as falling within the binary, and more like hugging a hug ol’ soft teddy bear.
As always my friends, thank you for being here and encouraging me to write. Some days it won’t be perfect or even sound patient, and that’s ok. Remember, we are human beings who were never meant for perfection.
Danny (and Wilder)